02 May 2014

finding things

as november came and went, i found that while the boys were at school i was spending too much time in bed. missing my mother. wondering what to do. ignoring laundry. watching dust bunnies come to life in the corners of the room. counting the minutes until i went to pick them up.

as much as i was blue, i knew i wasn't deeply depressed as i craved life too much. but i found myself lonely.  and that this loneliness was interfering with my ebb and flow of life; the how of what i wrote, and how i perceived things;  i found that my desire for a colorful life was slowly fading into forgotten and flimsy cardboard boxes. and i could see it all unfolding:

i was alice through the looking glass -an aging alice, and my wrinkles were the dancing lines of the jabberwocky; and it was there i saw that no matter what i did, one day my bones would be dust and the imprints i made on this earth would blow away with the wind.

so i knew that i needed more human interaction. the face to face kind, the laugh until your belly hurt kind, the talk too much and then sit next to each other in silence kind. but los angeles, with all of its millions of people, can be just as lonely as an empty desert plain, so it became clear to me, i would have to go out, push myself up off the couch, ease myself up out of bed and go find humanity.
(to be continued on monday, i have boys to wake up and get out of the house for school)

xxoo

3 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you've been having a hard time of it ... grief can certainly be an all encompassing creature at times.
    Looking forward to reading what path you took.
    xx

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  2. love the phrase 'ease myself up out of bed and go find humanity'
    ah....... I'm glad you found it!

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  3. I'm sorry I haven't been reading, I love seeing you on instagram now and then, just have gotten out of the habit of real screen time, more the one in my pocket. I hope your days are finding their own rythmn, a new a different one of course, but that there is motivation to rise, join others and enjoy. Summer is ahead and I know it's normally such a joyful season, I hope that you create experiences and memories that distract you and make you smile x

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hello there! I love it so when you leave a bit of a note to let me know how you are and what you are thinking. I always love to hear about the things inspiring you and moving you through your day.