I have been thinking a lot about inspiration these past few days.
Who inspires me? What friends do I gather around me? Do they support me? Inspire me? How do I invite art and healing into my life? Can I inspire myself to be more? Create more?
I have been going through the piles of things I brought home with me after my mother died and some of these piles was the art I did in high school. I didn’t want to throw them out, but filing them away in some meaningless box didn’t seem appropriate either…well at least at this point. So I began to put them up on the wall in “work/desk area” of our bedroom. As I didn’t want any one picture to stand out, especially since I am shy about my work (& even more so from that vulnerable time of teens), I over-layed them so they became a collage of memories and visions of hope for the future.
I was quite pleased with myself and found a certain artistic pleasure in it all… Until my children started fighting, irrationally exploding because they were hungry.
I had forgotten about them (hadn’t they once been quietly playing Legos?). And they were hungry. But I felt unimpressed with my lack of parenting skills. (I wonder sometimes what will happen years from now, will they still wait to be prompted to eat, or will they actually become functioning adults in the real world?) So another question that I need to hold close to my soul these days is: How do I walk the path of healing, forging my own life for ME, and still be present for the ones who need me most? In that moment last night, as the boys were irrationally whacking each other with swords, I had a vision, plucked from the MadMenTV series, of me as wife from the 50′s/60′s checked out and numb, drinking martinis & smoking cigarettes, staring out the window at an isolated winter sky while her children burned down the house.
Well that vision certainly de-inspires me. So today I am holding close in my soul, that if I walk this path in love, I can help care for and nurture my boys and have the life I want to live. It isn’t about having it all, I would hope not ,more about holding all those things close so they can find their moments of truth & life, in and unto themselves. I think this sounds better than actually putting it into action. But for today I will at least try to let this inspire me.
Pictured here is the wall above my desk. Just in case you wanted to know. Until next time loverlies. xxoo