05 January 2013

Trust my self, nurturing that trust

When I was sick with the flu over the holidays, I did absolutely nothing other than be sick for three whole days; and as much as it was quite crappy to be so very sick for Christmas (I felt horrible, not only from the physical aspects of having the flu, but also for not being able to join my immediate family in Denver for our first Christmas without my mother)...there was also something interesting happening that I never quite appreciated before: my body knew. exactly. what. to. do.  

Being sick heightens the senses in someways. Typically I deplore being sick. For the most part, I never rest unless I have too. I just keep going. If I do go down for the count, all I usually think about is how I can't WAIT to feel better AND how much better I am going to take care of: {insert momentary worry here}. Whether I am dreaming of a better me, my boys, the house & all the ins and outs, I get through the illness thinking that once I am through feeling so rotten, I will accomplish it all.  In the end, I am never quite present in the luxury of being just sick. 

But this time I was. Or at least I think I was to the extent I just let myself be sick. First off, once my husband and I decided that we couldn't fly out on an airplane (or I acquiesced to the decision because I couldn't get out of bed), we really had absolutely nothing planned, and it was Christmas. So that helped. There wasn't really anywhere for any of them to go (no school to pack backpacks for, no clothes to wash), and I was sick enough to not care whether or not the boys wore their jammies for three straight days.  The boys received as gifts what appeared to be an infinite amount of Legos, so they were pre-occupied with their Lego projects.  N was just happy putzing. I was happiest asleep in bed. Or drinking grapefruit juice, or hot water with lemon, or hot cider (again it helped to have minions hanging around glad to bring me my beverages) but I just drank what I craved, slept when I needed to and I never once got out of my leggings and t-shirt. They seemed to fit, for once, just right. 

Once I emerged from the cocoon of my covers and quilts, I felt triumphant! Well maybe not quite triumphant, but I felt like I had truly let myself be at rest. I listened to my very knowledgable body and it told me what I needed: liquids & rest. It doesn't seem like such a crazy equation when you look at it. But it really is hard to do. Even harder, I find, is taking that small slip of time suspended-in-illness, and trust that same knowledge in my everyday life, everyday.  So I wonder: does my everyday body trick me in a way my sick body doesn't? Why is it I trusted my very physically sick body to tell me what I need, but I have a hard time trusting the everyday body with everyday decisions. It would seem that I should trust the body I live with more often than the body I live with when I am sick.  

So I am taking these thoughts with me for the weekend: How can I trust my body, my everyday body, more? How can I be in tune with what "she"{my body}wants and desires or needs? AND most importantly, be present in my life with all its ins and outs?  How can I better trust myself and nurture that trust?  How do you do it, my loverlies? I would love to know your thoughts. xxoo

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