hello there! meet our favorite child...
It is no secret in the house that my husband and I are quite smitten with our female feline. Her name is Hermione, but we all call her Minou (mee-knew). Sometimes we call her Fluffernutters because she is, at times, quite a crazy fluffy ball of fur; but she is oh so cute and silly. I sometimes call her Marie, like the prissy sister from the movie "The Aristocats." She loves to be picked up and petted while she eats her breakfast or dinner. She acts helpless and lost around her food unless someone is there to give her attention. She spends 98% of her time on our bed, sleeping at night she between my husband and I. The other 2% she is either eating, using her "powder room" or following me around to make sure I come back to the bedroom to watch her sleeping. We adopted her along with her brother, Harry, almost seven years ago. While Minou is all cute and furry, Harry is a scrappy ball of a cat that has peculiar habits that are not really engaging for humans. He doesn't really care for us humans, or so it seems, as he often will scratch us out of mere spite (or so it seems). Sometimes he will come in the front door only to whine piteously to be let out the side door, then to come in again through the back door to mew again to be let out the front door. He is dizzying, and at times, quite annoying. My youngest calls him Scary Harry. Poor old cat. He can't really get a break, but then again, I am never sure he should actually get one as he has scratched almost every child and adult who has ever come into our house. One thing I used to joke about with my mother is that you can't have a favorite child, but you can have a favorite animal. It is like playing out dysfunctional family dynamics with your pets rather than your own children.
However sometimes, I wonder, can you actually have a favorite child and successfully raise all of them? Or, on a deeper more personal level, I wonder about myself: do I favor one boy over another? I don't think that I do, well at least from where I stand in my "objectively subjective" point of view. Yet, I know I often get caught in a cycle of worrying about one of them over the other two. At different times, each of them has had their turn as my focal worry point where I am trying to figure out what is going on in their life that is making them act a certain way. Usually I feel like the child I am worrying about is stuck and I am trying to figure out ways to help them. You can probably sympathize. And yet, isn't this an awkward form of favoritism glossed over as "good" parenting?
What about you? Do you have more than one child? Do you feel sometimes more sympathetic towards one than another? Do ever (gasp!!!) favor one over the other one? This is such a touchy subject, but I think that when you parent more than one child, so many different emotions, actions and motives come to surface, it is difficult to sort through them all and still be a conscious and loving parent. So what are your thoughts? I would love to know. xx
Parenting is such a balancing act!!! I know I worry about both my boys in general - as well that is what mamas do. I also know that as the needs of the boys change I have to adjust - similar to the ebb and flow of the ocean. One may need more in one area where the other is strong and vice versa. This can change throughout the day, day to day, week to week and so on. There is no schedule as to when these needs will arise and that is why we must be in tune with our little ones - listen to them, watch them, snuggle with them, spend time with them - so when they are in that time of need (which they may not even realize) we can spend that extra time worrying and focusing on them. Keeping the teeter totter balanced is never easy much like parenting - but I do know it is easy to love my boys more than anything and as long as they know that they are capable of anything.
ReplyDeleteI love that we can create all these family dynamics with our pets - and no feelings get hurt haha!!!! No matter what their personalities they still get all our love.
Thank you for another wonderful piece of writing.
Have a great weekend.
Chey xo
Chey, I love what you have written here. I think you are absolutely right. I love your metaphor of the ebb and flow of the ocean. We have to adjust to the different tides, storms, currents that our children move through. And I am so glad that you nurture your boys in such a wonderful way.
DeleteDo you think homeschooling helps nurture your boys positive sense of self? Sometimes I wish I could be a fly on the wall at school so I would know how to respond to all the different things that happen to them during the day. My youngest is very forthcoming in the details of his day, my middle one is as well -unless something negative was said to him, and then I have to figure it out through his surly mood. My oldest, well, he has always been more of an introvert so I have to wait and not pressure him too much.
gosh parenting is tough (but so rewarding). xo
That is a great question - I do feel like I can "catch" moments that they would have a hard time with and well I am not sure how to say this - maybe the way you classify it fits. I don't want to say shelter them but I think the last 3 years of homeschooling has allowed them to extend their childhood innocence. I know when the boys return to their old school next August they will grow up really fast and I will be thankful for the time that I was able to spend with them. So, yes it allows them more time to develop confidence and positive self. My oldest is the same - it comes out in time and I just have to keep the communication open. The youngest can go either way - he either clams up or shouts it all out - I am never sure what is coming next. You are right it is the most rewarding experience at the same time it is the hardest.
DeleteChey xo
Such a stunning image, we doted on our Kitty who died three years ago! On the subject of a favourite son, I have three, is it a cop out to say that I love each one in a different way? That I recognise myself and their Dad at different times too, and I love each of their different skills/talents/personalities? Each one brings such special and varied treasures to our relationship.....O never I could never chose just one.......maybe that's why I have 3!!!! Lovely post:~))
ReplyDeleteI love this, and I don't think it is a cop out at all to say you love each one in a different way! I think it fits perfectly with these thoughts I am pondering. I love my boys fiercely, but each one is unique, so I would also have to day I love them for their unique ways and the ways they live in the world.
Deletexo
My boys look very alike and yet you could not get two more different personalities.
ReplyDeleteI think that at different times for different reasons you may give more to one child over another...not because you favour them...but because you recognise a specific need. One will need me where the other never would...but in another situation it will go the other way.
I don't see it as favouring...just rising to the situation ...and in the long run it all balances out.
It's an interesting topic to raise though :0)
xx
Oh I like this sentiment "rising to the situation." And yes, we as parents have to give our children what they need and each child is different so how could we give them the same thing?
DeleteAnd I agree, or at least that is my hope, that things balance out in the long run.
xo
I remember soon after my twins were born feeling so strongly that I loved all my girls entirely, and yet completely differently. But there was also some resentment during those hazy early months about the demanding toddler getting in the way of all my new baby loving. As they get older,
ReplyDeleteOoh, pressed send too early. Was going to say, as they get older, I don't think I could pick a favourite. Perhaps when they hit the teenage years, though... ;)
DeleteOh Greer! Twins! I remember the guilty balance in those early years with the grumpy toddler who felt like his mom was taken away from him and the strong desire to get to know the new little one that was finally on the outside. Boy, us mama's have such a juggling act! I think that fierce tiger love is always there (especially strong it seems when our littles are so wee and tiny) so we love them so very much entirely, yet, like you said in their own individual ways.
Deletelove what you said about the teenage years, we have one who is 13...oh my already!
xxoo
So this is something I am pondering on -do any of your children ever get jealous of the others? Of so, how do you handle it? xo
ReplyDeleteWe have just started to experience this problem. We were very lucky and our 2 boys have done really well so far. The last 3 years has really cemented a close bond between the two of them. BUT lately the oldest claims we are "nicer" to the youngest, "he does not get in trouble or you don't get as mad at him as you do me". We usually sit and have a heart to heart - why do you feel this way? and we explain what is going on and evaluate what he says. We also explain he is older and we have expectations of his behavior as well. Sometimes he does have a valid point and his brother has gotten away with some things - so I pay more attention. Communication is the key. OH yes the teens are coming - he turns 13 in May and the moods have definitely arrived. What will we do when they are both teens - AAAHHH.
DeleteThank you for a great discussion.
Chey xo
Becca, thank you again for such a lovely piece, you are such a gifted and insightful writer! I only see the analogy, but it is not even close to a model of parenting multiples by any stretch of the imagination! -- in a very slim razor-thin slice of my life/time, when I volunteer at school for the 3rd graders at gardening. Such a balancing act-different personalities, boy energy vs girl energy--it teaches me so much about patience & impatience, sharing, being fair, seeing how kids navigate their differing relationships and negotiate with one another, pushing myself to be a better listener, communicate better, pay attention...
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