My heart is a nomad, a wandering Lover that climbs to the top of Palm trees on dark days and waits under the leaves until the patter of rain stops. My heart, my heart is a nomad, wandering from place to place, searching for some Braveness to hold her still.
My heart loves to wander and wonder about things. I am not betraying any sort of marriage vow, but my heart loves to dream. So much so, that sometimes I have a hard time sitting still and actually living. I wrote this past Monday, "I am grateful for perspective on my home. Loving it for all of its smallness, for its views, for the closeness it offers us as a family. The small lessons it gives us in loving what you have and living into what that is. This wee house has taught us to claim the life offered to us now, as our own, rather than waiting for the coveted moment in life when all happens as it should." Lovely Nina from the lovely blog ...Tabiboo... commented, "Home is where the heart is - I'm such a great believer." And this small sentence made me think about this heart of mine. How restless it can be. How much time my heart can dream about a better day and better times by stringing together these words in my mind, "If only I had/could/would/did do/had done..." There are all sorts of ways to finish the sentence as well, and all too often I find myself caught up in this wandering, this drifting away from what is Here and what is Now. If I follow down the path for too long, I find myself face to face with emotions I don't like such as jealousy, anger and resentment. AND, I always have a hard time letting those emotions go once I get there.
However, sometimes my heart does rest & breathe (sometimes because it has no other choice), and though things may not turn out as perfect as I desire, just letting go can be what exactly what I need to make things happen. Let me tell you the story of our home:
When N accepted the job offer out here, and we knew we were moving, I immediately began to search online listings for apartments, town homes and even houses to rent. Since we were moving across the country, I wanted everything to be perfect. I felt frantic and worried that if we didn't find the exact right address, the boys wouldn't be in the exact right school (especially my oldest, as he was starting middle school) and that would mean our life would fall apart before it even began in our new place. It was hard to be across the country and not Know what living out here would be like. Then one day, I must have been bouncing back from the frantic rock bottom place I was in, I felt myself let it all go. Somehow, I felt that whatever school the boys would be in would be good and okay, and that we, as a family, would make it all work. So I said to N, "I am done looking. Next time you are out there, could you (please) find us a place to live." So he did. And it is good. And practically perfect. It IS small, quite small for our brood -but that is the nature of living on this coastline. However, we have a yard and that helps the smallness, the boys can safely escape to the outside; AND I do so love the way the house flows. It has an open kitchen so the first time in a long time I can cook dinner and watch the boys play in the living room. It has a little entrance and coat closet where I can hang guests coats and the boys can deposit their shoes. And the whole school thing, has most definitely worked out. The boys have great friends and good teachers and (for the first time ever!) They Can Walk to school. I love that part. I love that it is faster to walk the four blocks than to drive. And we didn't even know that part when we rented it. We had no idea at all. N and I both took a leap of faith, shelved (some) of our worries, then life seems to have opened up in ways I could not have imagined. It seems that the answers were already there for us, for me, I was just over searching. Over wandering it seems.
So I love that my heart is a wanderer, I love that my heart is a nomad. My heart invites in imagination ad creativity. She searches and wants more out of life. My heart's dreams and imaginings are food for my soul. All of this is good, but sometimes My Heart needs to learn to be a bit more in the present and let things go. Let Life in a bit, and see how things Unfold.
XXOO Does your heart dream? Does it dream big? What does it dream? Does it over wander and lead you off your course from time to time?