16 May 2013

on raising boys.

Trying to raise tender yet hearty men is as easy as learning to be a concert violinist overnight; it feels absolutely impossible somedays. Oh I know they are all tender hearted souls. I witness it in different ways on an almost daily basis. Last week when my youngest was home sick, I let him watch a movie, "Honey I Shrunk The Kids." One aspect of the plot is this: the children in the story are shrunk to the size of ants, then they befriend an ant. Then the ant dies. As a result of this plot twist, I found my little man weeping into his pillow over  the untimely death of the little baby ant. My heart swelled with achey love and I wanted to scoop him up, hold him and wipe away his tears...however, he wanted none of it. He knew that he was vulnerable in his weeping and my show of affection made him more so. It was hard to let that moment go.

Now, I admit I am a mushy hearted old soul. So is the boys' father. I think I knew I was in love with their dad when he had me watch "A Wonderful Life" with him one Christmas and I saw him cry at the very sweet-hearted swelling end. He wears his heart on his sleeve their dad does.  I also know he is tough, yet I also know he was a bit of a nerdy soul in high school, tousled about by the waves of ugly adolescent behavior. 

As my boys' mama,  I would love for them to all be able to be strong enough to raise up the weak in their youth, but strong enough to never be touched by the ugly-hearted bullying and misbehaving that happens throughout life. I am sure this is an impossible task.  My middle son is dyslexic, and fiercely hides this fact from his peers. He experienced bullying by some of his closest friends when he was in first grade (they would corner him and try to make him read) but he only recently shared this experience with me -he carried this around in his wee heart for almost two years, this sadness, this breaking of trust. We no longer go to that school, nor do we live anywhere near those boys, but I shake my fist sometimes at the injustice of life. My middle, perhaps my most sensitive and vulnerable, wears a grumpy defiant shell most days and I wonder how he will navigate adolescence when the time comes. He has a hard time listening to other people's perspective. My adolescent oldest. He too struggles between the dance of the sensitive and the strong. I can see it in his eyes. He has a strong and kind peer group, yet I wonder how they will all fare when they enter high school.

I love all three of my boys so. I would be willing to travel to the ends of the earth if it meant I could find the proper path of the mama that can raise her boys with tender, yet fierce hearts. I know some of my path is learning to let go of my fears, and also letting go of the apron strings I have tied to their wings. I will need to let them go out into the world and discover who they are to the best of their ability, with all its success and all its failures; while I stand up high on a cliff, trying to let them navigate the rocky waters of life on their own. 

23 comments:

  1. I wanted to cry at the end of this. You said everything I have ever felt about being the mother to two boys. It's positively frustrating sometimes figuring out how to raise sensitive yet tough young men. Both of my boys have struggled in the past with things that still break my heart. It's caused them to hide behind some tough insensitive walls. Being a mother is the most important job we'll ever have and I pray every day that I am doing my very best. When they call me just to say HI or bring me flowers "just because," I know I'm doing my job well. I know you are too. xo

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    1. Thanks Sarah. Your kind hearted words have made me all mushy all over again. Raising boys is a tough job. It sounds as if you have done a wonderful job at it all! xo

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  2. So perfectly written, I definitely share these same thoughts and feelings. Thank you for putting it all into words so well. My oldest was very very young when he watched beauty and the beast for the first time - he sobbed when the beast died (there are no words acknowledging this in the movie - just music) and became the prince. He so wanted the beast to return. We have to trust that we are giving them all the tools they need to find their way through this complicated world. It has been shown that boys who have been mothered and kept close grow to become confident and strong - they no where home is and that it will always be there for them. Being mama to boys is such a tough and important job but one I love so dearly. At times I wish I could scoop up all the unfairness and cruelty and protect them from it. You are a wonderful mama and your boys are growing up to be strong yet sensitive - I can see it in your writing and your photos.
    Chey xo

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    1. I just love this sweet story about your son so wishing the beast to return. When they are little our children don't understand transformation as well as we grown-ups do. And as I recall, I liked Beast much better than the Prince. I too thought Beast was better looking. But I think there is also such an honesty in your son's tears -why must our boys be tamed? forced into a box that requires them to always sit still and be perfect? Why aren't they allowed a little fierceness in their life. As a society, I think we fear "wildness" mistaking it for anger or ADHD. I so wish we could embrace this more.

      I really hope that being close to their mama makes them resilient and strong. I so hope. Thanks so for your kind words Chey. I really think you are a shining star when it comes to raising boys -as I too can sense it through your photography an writing. xo

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  3. Ohh Rebecca, how strongly I share your (beautiful) sentiments. It seems a day doesn't pass that I don't question my parenting to two young boys. Being mamans to little men is a marvelous yet tenuous position for sure. Add that I too am a "mushy hearted old soul" and well, I have an older son that tears up at the death of every. thing (then asks where they went and why. why. why). All that you want for your boys, I want for mine - you wrote it so perfectly. Alas, I hope we can be consoled in knowing that sensitive boys have an innate compassion and empathy and kindness... something we can be proud of at the end of the day :)

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    1. Thanks Catherine for your kindhearted response. Raising little men is a tenuous position. They are faced with more negative online and screen images of masculinity than ever before...as well as negative over sexualized portrayals of women.

      I so hope that these men we are rearing grow up to change the world. xo

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  4. What a beautiful post. I have three boys as well, and your words resonated so very much with me. I just know exactly what you mean, you have put it so well. It is indeed hard raising boys, but so very rewarding. My littlest man is the most cheeky and affectionate boy imaginable, he drives me nuts sometimes, then makes me laugh and tells me he loves me and kisses me. The oldest almost never kisses me and while he is a hugely sensitive soul he tries to show the world that he is tough. The middle boy is a creative, imaginative boy, quiet but strong inside. I hope they never lose themselves or lose their way. It is indeed hard to watch them grow up and face the world and all it offers, but this is as it should be I think. Thank you for this lovely, thought-provoking post.

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    1. Isn't it so incredibly endearing and funny how a group of siblings can be from one another? It always amazes me. It sounds as if you are doing all you can to raise each boy well, sensitive to all their needs. xo

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  5. Such a beautiful and loving post, you really touched my heart. I don't have sons, but I do hope and pray there are kind-hearted and wise women out there raising their sons to be strong and gentle, tender and true - for the sake of the daughters of this world.

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    1. Thanks ever so much Sarah. I too hope that they can become strong able partners in a strong and loving relationship some day. xo

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  6. The urge to try to protect my boys from ... everything ... is overpowering at times.
    I want to bring my boys up with values ... for themselves and everyone else around them ... and respect ... for themselves and everyone else around them.
    If I can release two respectful, fair and empathetic young men into the world ... I will consider it a job well done.
    xx

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    1. From everything I see on your blog, you are fairing so very well. You understand them and treat them with respect and gentleness. And yes, to release young men into the world who are fair, respectful and empathetic I would consider it a job well done as well! xo

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  7. Your boys are in very good hands. xx

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  8. As a infants school teacher, it broke my heart to read about your middle son's experience with those bullies who made him read. It's my job to keep an ear to the ground to ensure incidents like this don't happen, but I wonder how often I'm in the dark!?
    My mother-in-law successfully raised 5 boys (with twins in the mix). She talks about how grueling it was at times. But I can say assuredly, all five boys have grown into decent, sensitive, hardworking men (the best one ha ha - the eldest - I married). Raising children is challenging and rewarding...it sounds as though you are doing everything right!

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    1. Your comment made me smile so! I love that you married the best one :-) !! When my husband and I reflect on the time our middle spent at the school, our hearts fill with the sort of anguish that a parent can only feel when they know they didn't protect their child well enough. We are at times quite sure, that the teacher was well aware of what was happening but ignored it -the school was private and they did not like children with "disabilities". Sigh. But it is behind us now so we look forward, onward and upward! xo

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  9. That letting go... You can't ever prepare for it. Much of your wishes I wish for my girls too. It's the most beautiful yet complex role, this one as a mum. I love your words, and your thought process and I think you're doing marvellous xx

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    1. Thanks so Elisa. I appreciate your kind words (and your blog!) as well. xxoo

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  10. Just loving your blog, truly!
    unfortunately, this morning, I don't have time to say more than that. Hopefully that is good for now.
    XO

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  11. I thought it was hard raising a girl. (teenage girls can be so mean and bitches to each other) but now I am a mother to a boy. A completely unknown territory, and this post makes me realise just how unprepared I am for it.

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  12. Men, and the young boys that they grow from. In many ways I feel that it's so much harder for little boys, trying to manage that balance between strong and capable, tender hearted and thoughtful. We want them to be able to stand up for themselves and the weak, but as they grow into men we also want them to be romantic, sensitive and devoted. It's a tricky road balancing that, let alone teaching it. I always feel that each one of us that moves through this life aware of our desires and shortcomings, of all we want to want to achieve and that we try our best, well then we're ahead of many others who seemingly just blunder their way through. I am confident that with you as a mother and your husband, who must be something special as you chose him, you'll raise young men my own girls would be happy to know.

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  13. I have a boy and a girl, I am constantly realizing that what works for one doesn't work for the other, and yet I want to raise a compassionate caring man, and a strong independent woman, so it is such a balance trying to work out what is the best way to parent them.

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hello there! I love it so when you leave a bit of a note to let me know how you are and what you are thinking. I always love to hear about the things inspiring you and moving you through your day.

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