Now that I am older, I have certainly not put away my childish things but I understand better, from a constructive, adult-ish point of view, that there are layers of happiness out there.
Layers as lovely as an iced cake for your birthday & layers of joy from the rotting compost of sorrow, decomposing, nurturing and fertilizing a better tomorrow.
My children are mixed into those layers. The layers of icing on the cake and the composting pile in the backyard. They mix into my own happiness. They mix into my soul and shake all those clearly defined borders of who I am and where I am going. I know for certain they have a list of what would make them happy.
It is long, especially when you
combine all three of their wills & desires together. However, it is not only long, but certain things are so material, that I am most certain that those goods will not be on their list in a tomorrow & didn't make it on their list in the yesteryear.
The happy of the parent & the happy of the child can be so very different, and the happiness of your child seeps into your pores and the worlds of want & desire & happiness collide in a chemistry that makes parenting all so filled with days of delights and nights of misery and wonder.
My middle knows three things, right now, in the today, that would make him happy. He is most certain the happiness would last forever if he could obtain these three things:
One is the ability to read. This middle boy of mine would most certainly banish his dyslexia so he could pick up any book and read with delight.
The Two on his list would be a lizard. He WANTs this so. He is an animal lover and wants to add to our menagerie.
The Three on his list would be a sister. He doesn't know why, he just wants one. & I have to tell you that the first and the last of these things are MOST certainly the hardest for me. they speak to my soul, they speak to my own dreams & desires. I so wish he could read. More than anything. More than my own success and my own ability to be successful. I want him to triumph academically. I want him to be able to have language & poetry fly off the pages & into his soul.
Then there is this last one want of happiness...
This number 3 on his list, is actually always the whisper at the back of my own mind & I wonder how he reached out & read what was there.
For me it is not an easy equation that would straightforward read sister for the boys would equal happiness. Or a daughter for me would equal happiness. Truly for me, at the very end of the day, I am so ready to plunge forward into my own dreams and hopes and happiness now the boys are a bit older and in school full time, that having a fourth child is really the last thing on my list.
And quite frankly, a lizard IS a whole lot easier.